


The Machine

by herbailiwick



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Epistolary, Horror, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Original Character Death(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-21
Updated: 2012-04-21
Packaged: 2017-11-04 01:18:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/388058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herbailiwick/pseuds/herbailiwick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an epistolary fic with horror elements. It has text as well as images. Written for LJ's wikdsushi for Hearts & Guts 2012.</p><p>Main Characters: Klokateer 447, Charles Offdensen.</p><p>Warning: Some descriptions of deaths, two creepy images including one with blood, general creepiness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Machine

**Part 1:  
A Klokateer's Journal**

October 3

I have to start writing shit down because I don't know how long it'll take me to go completely insane. I really should be noble about it and turn myself in, but I can't bring myself to do it and, plus, what I'm experiencing is actually pretty normal for this place. Maybe it's a curse, or just human nature, but it's easy to lose your grip here. Especially if you're on the Carcass Removing Team. 

I'm kind of scared. I've always liked being here. I feel alive here, which I guess is ironic if my job is planning to kill me, but I can't bring myself to hate this place. I hope I don't kill too many people when I snap. 

I must be starting to lose it already because I've been having these mind trips that interfere with my job, like I'm fantasizing about being hurt or something. Except I hate having them and they make me feel like I should vomit or take a shower afterward. 

I had one at about 3:00 today. In it I fell from the renovation scaffolding. My hood flew off and I had just enough time to dread the crash before it came. I was on the floor with a broken spine and I screamed in pain. Then it was all over. I'd never screamed. I'd never fallen. It had never happened. 

Number 24805 told me to take it easy because I'd started to shake. I told him to fuck off, but I decided to take the break anyway. There was a twinge in my back that wouldn't let me forget about that hard fall. And I had a sudden craving for a bag of gummy snakes. I've never liked gummy snakes before. I always thought they tasted like shit.

If I don't figure out what's happening to me, I might be helpless to stop it. I might be helpless anyway, but I'll feel better if I know I tried.

***

October 5

Number 784223 died today. I didn't know him, but I watched his forklift flip over. He was still breathing by the time his girlfriend showed up, so she pulled off her hood and talked to him until he wasn't breathing anymore.

I keep thinking about her face, all covered in tears, and about the way the forklift flipped over just like that. I'm starting to focus on meaningless shit like that when my job should be my priority. Maybe I need a vacation. Or an execution; that might be even better.

***

October 6

It was different today; I'd been there when the death actually happened. I was Number 784223. I was using the forklift, and then I wasn't in it anymore. I was on the ground and I'd hit my head. 784223's girlfriend held my hand and started to cry as she pulled off her hood. My grip got weaker and weaker. I could feel blood pooling in my hood; it felt warm. She said she was proud I was dying for Dethklok. I died, and then I came back to reality.

The back of my head hurt and I really wanted to see that woman again. I didn't want anything else. 

I guess it puts a lot of things in perspective, knowing these dreams aren't dreams. I might not even be crazy, at least not the way I thought I was. But at the same time, watching other people's memories, the memories of their deaths, is still fucked up.

What's wrong with me?

***

October 7

Latest "death memory": 

I was in a tiled room. Klokateers on one side of me were sewing pieces of flesh together. A Hood nearby had an electric probe in his hand, and another was studying a thin manual. I heard someone say, "What's your number?" 

At the sound of crackling flesh, I looked over at the Klokateer with the probe. He was making the fingers of a ripe old severed hand twitch. I locked in on the twitching fingers and started to feel sick with disgust and realization. 

Someone yelled at me that I wasn't supposed to be in the room. I didn't agree with that, but I didn't have a chance to explain myself before there was a knife in my side. Then the knife was in my stomach. The pain was gasp-worthy, sharp, unfamiliar, and it fully winded me. I lost my balance and had to hold onto the table to stay upright. I heard the sound of gunfire, and then I didn't hear anything at all. 

I don't think I want to be fucked up anymore. I'd rather be crazy. I don't want this one to be real. If this one's real, I probably provided that hand. And death isn't something you fuck with.

***

October 9

I want things to be simple again. I don't want to know what I know now, or what I think I know. I can't lift the bodies without wondering where they're headed after I do it. I've read through all the informational packets, the latest versions even, and I don't see anything that tells me where they'll go. 

I need to try and follow them.

***

Still October 9

I don't have the clearance to get past anyone, and I figure asking will get me shot, so the alternative is to find a reliable hiding place. There's only one I know of, so I doused myself in bug spray and climbed in. The smell of the bodies was more distracting than usual, and so were the flies. It wasn't like being on the opposite end of a forklift.

It was kind of stupid of me to try and hide there, actually, but I couldn't just ignore what those Gears in the lab were doing. I didn't work my way up from bell ringer to forklift operator to disrespect the dead. 

There's some type of machine. I barely got away. There's some type of machine they feed the bodies into. It's not a furnace. It's not a trash compactor. I don't know what the hell it is. I don't trust Mordhaus anymore.

I had to sneak away when no one was looking. I can't forget what I saw. I want answers. I have to take this to the top. I'm meeting with Offdensen, whether I book an appointment or crash someone else's.

  
**Part 2:  
**   
From the Desk of Charles Offdensen  


10 October, 2011

 **Persons present:**  
Charles F. Offdensen  
#447 (Carcass Removal: D. Hirleman)

**BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:**

#447: Mr. Offdensen.

OFFDENSEN: Hi there. What brings you here?

#447: My name is...I'm Dan Hirleman, Klokateer Number 447. 

OFFDENSEN: And you came to visit me. Did you have a point, Number 447?

#447: I know about the experiments.

OFFDENSEN: Oh do you now? What experiments?

#447: And there's a machine, too. 

OFFDENSEN: A machine? (Chuckles.) What does it do?

#447: Look, I'm having other people's memories.

OFFDENSEN: Mr., ah, Hirleman, was it? Why don't you have a seat? What do you mean, having other people's memories? You don't mind if I eat while we do this, do you? (Pause.) Good. 

#447: Do you know about the things they're doing, Sir? Is it your idea?

OFFDENSEN: What things?

#447: The experiments.

OFFDENSEN: We have a team of Klokateers downstairs who experiment so we can test out devices like the Corpse Finder, a device you're familiar with. I'm glad we've got a team like that, aren't you? You have all those people to thank.

#447: (Pause.) That's not what I'm talking about. I mean the experiments with the bodies.

OFFDENSEN: (Pause.) What are you saying?

#447: Mr. Offdensen, do you know why I started this job? To give those bodies a final resting place.

OFFDENSEN: I see.

#447: Why are they doing it? 

OFFDENSEN: Well, I imagine they're doing it for people like you.

(Long pause.)

#447: What does that mean?

OFFDENSEN: You've been asking a lot of questions. Would you mind answering a few, just out of curiosity? 

#447: About what?

OFFDENSEN: Describe a...memory for me.

#447: I'm a Klokateer, a different one. And then I die.

OFFDENSEN: That sounds scary.

#447: One of them was a forklift accident. I watched it from inside the Klokateer.

OFFDENSEN: You know, 815 told me he was experiencing the same type of thing. Isn't that strange?

#447: What did you guys do?

OFFDENSEN: Do?

#447: What happened to him?

OFFDENSEN: I sent him to see a psychologist. Your health insurance will cover it, if you're worried about the cost. I can set up an appointment for you, if you'd like.

#447: I don't want one.

OFFDESNSEN: Ah? You wouldn't like to go? Why not? 

#447: Because I'm not crazy. (Pause.) He's probably not either.

OFFDENSEN: They prescribed him a medication that helped. Took all those nasty visions away. He's doing well now. He might even be due for a promotion.

#447: Sir, I know they're memories. I saw the death myself. It was Number 784223, and he must have been 20 yards away. So don't patronize me.

OFFDENSEN: Have I been patronizing you?

#447: And then I had a memory about the experiments. What are you typing?

OFFDENSEN: It's a grocery list. (Typing.) Look: "Out of bleach." Okay? I wouldn't want to forget.

#447: (Pause.) I saw the machine. It's not a furnace.

OFFDENSEN: When did you start having other people's memories, Number 447?

#447: (Pause.) I don't know, two weeks ago. What's today, the 10th? Yeah, about two weeks ago. 

OFFDENSEN: Why are you here, again?

#447: I want you to stop them.

OFFDENSEN: Are you happy with your life?

#447: If this doesn't change, I have to quit.

OFFDENSEN: Are you glad you're alive?

#447: Sir?

OFFDENSEN: I can set up that appointment. Would you like me to do that? Or maybe you should take some time off.

#447: A vacation? I don't know.

OFFDENSEN: A paid vacation. When you come back, we could talk about something I need to get done. You might be my best option. 

#447: I can say no, right?

OFFDENSEN: (Pause.) Sure. So where would you like to go?

**END TRANSCRIPT**

***

**From:** "Charles F. Offdensen"  cfo@klokmail.com  
 **To:** "Hawk"  178500@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Monday, 10 Oct 11 at 23:04  
 **Subject:** A Week in the Sun

Stephen,

I need you to fly #447 (Dan Hirleman) to the Bahamas for a  
week. 

When you return, I expect you to tell me everything you've  
learned about him. Your list will range from high-priority  
potential dangers to any small blessings I can use to my  
advantage. 

\--  
Charles Foster Offdensen  
Manager and CFO | Dethklok, Inc.  
Country Code + 49 + 0170-6660001 | cfo@klokmail.com | http://www.dethklok.com

***

**From:** "Charles F. Offdensen"  cfo@klokmail.com  
 **To:** "Head Scientist: Young"  203@klokmail.com, "Head Engineer:  
Rictus" 789@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Monday, 10 Oct 11 at 23:07  
 **Subject:** Urgent: Security Breach

No one is to eliminate a threat to security during a "tour".  
Threats will need to be relocated first. Please pass this  
information down the line of command.

\--  
Charles Foster Offdensen  
Manager and CFO | Dethklok, Inc.  
Country Code + 49 + 0170-6660001 | cfo@klokmail.com | http://www.dethklok.com

***

**#447:**  
\- Is a ticking time bomb  
\- Has loose lips  
\- Obsesses about the rights of corpses  
\- Lacks trust in Offdensen and in the system  
\- Remembers too much  
\- Is aware I'm observing him  
\- Dresses presentably  
\- Is well-mannered  
\- Hopes  
\- Is careless  
\- Is not a strategist

 

\- #178500, Stephen Brantley

***

**From:** "Charles F. Offdensen"  cfo@klokmail.com  
 **To:** "CR Team: D. Hirleman"  447@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Wednesday, 19 Oct 11 at 12:36  
 **Subject:** Home Sweet Haus

How's the job treating you, Number 447? 

If you'd like to help with something more directly related to  
the problems you've been having, come and see me first thing  
tomorrow.

\--  
Charles Foster Offdensen  
Manager and CFO | Dethklok, Inc.  
Country Code + 49 + 0170-6660001 | cfo@klokmail.com | http://www.dethklok.com

***

**From:** "Charles F. Offdensen"  cfo@klokmail.com  
 **To:** "CR Team: D. Hirleman"  447@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Wednesday, 19 Oct 11 at 18:11  
 **Subject:** Re: Home Sweet Haus

Well, I think choosing you would be pretty obvious. Who  
cares more about this problem than someone with the balls to  
come to me about it like you did? That vacation probably took  
some of the edge off your stress too, don't you think? 

Don't worry; no matter what, everything will go according to  
plan.

\--  
Charles Foster Offdensen  
Country Code + 49 + 0170-6660001 | http://www.dethklok.com

***

**From:** "Charles F. Offdensen"  cfo@klokmail.com  
 **To:** "Head Scientist: Young"  203@klokmail.com, "Head Engineer:  
Rictus" 789@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Wednesday, 19 Oct 11 at 18:19  
 **Subject:** A Klokateer Will Be Poking Around

Number 447 (Dan Hirleman) has been given clearance to "spy"  
on the individuals in your departments. He knows enough to  
ask questions, but not enough to warrant the answers he wants  
to receive. 

\--  
Charles Foster Offdensen  
Manager and CFO | Dethklok, Inc.  
Country Code + 49 + 0170-6660001 | cfo@klokmail.com |http://www.dethklok.com

  
**Part 3:  
**   
Keep Your Friends Close  


**From:** "CR Team: D. Hirleman"  447@klokmail.com  
 **To:** 24805@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Thursday, 20 Oct 11 at 11:43  
 **Subject:** Re: Batteries

They should be by the bolts. 

While I've got your attention here, I have something I want to  
ask you about. 

\--  
Dan Hirleman  
447 | Corpse Removing Team | 447@klokmail.com

***

**From:** "CR Team: D. Hirleman"  447@klokmail.com  
 **To:** 24805@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Thursday, 20 Oct 11 at 14:20  
 **Subject:** Re: Batteries

No, I don't want to quit anymore. He's letting me look around  
for a little while. I'm not sure why, but I'll go with it. At least  
he hasn't killed me yet or anything. 

Here's the question: Have you ever thought about where they  
send the corpses when our job is done? 

\--  
Dan Hirleman  
447 | Corpse Removing Team | 447@klokmail.com

***

**From:** Mail Delivery Issue  mailfail@klokmail.com  
 **To:** 447@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Thursday, 20 Oct 11 at 14:21  
 **Subject:** Shit Happens

What the fuck?! Delivery to the following recipient failed:

      24805@klokmail.com

KlokMail tried to deliver your message, but there was a fucking  
error. The ladies in the Internet Department will see what they  
can do about it. Fuck! 

In the meantime, you can donate to the KlokMail Fund via  
PayBro, but only if you've got the balls.

\--  
mailfail@klokmail.com

***

**From:** "Charles F. Offdensen"  cfo@klokmail.com  
 **To:** "Head Scientist: Young"  203@klokmail.com, "Head Engineer:  
Rictus" 789@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Friday, 21 Oct 11 at 08:39  
 **Subject:** Loyalties

Should you become suspicious of any individual under your  
control, I am more than happy to check it out. Call me at any  
time.

\--  
Charles Foster Offdensen  
Manager and CFO | Dethklok, Inc.  
Country Code + 49 + 0170-6660001 | cfo@klokmail.com |http://www.dethklok.com

***

**From:** "Charles F. Offdensen"  cfo@klokmail.com  
 **To:** "Head Engineer: Rictus"  789@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Friday, 21 Oct 11 at 09:12  
 **Subject:** Re: Loyalties

# 447 doesn't count. No matter how defiantly or strangely he  
might behave, he's under my control. 

\--  
Charles Foster Offdensen  
Country Code + 49 + 0170-6660001 | http://www.dethklok.com/

***

27 October, 2011

 **Persons present:**  
Charles F. Offdensen  
Dan Hirleman (Eyes and Ears, #447)

**BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:**

OFFDENSEN: What do you think of the new job, Number 447? Is it satisfying your curiosity?

HIRLEMAN: (Pause.) I wouldn't say that. I've learned a lot, though, I guess. (Pause.) And I'm more disgusted than ever. 

OFFDENSEN: I'm proud of you, 447. 

HIRLEMAN: Why?

OFFDENSEN: When I'm confronted with something I dislike, often I try to get closer to it to get a better understanding. You've done that this past week. I'm pleased with the effort you've shown. 

HIRLEMAN: (Pause.) Can we discuss the machine?

OFFDENSEN: Ah, are you wondering what it does, Dan? Can I call you Dan? (Pause.) Let me ask you this: What's a kitchen without its secret recipe? A flop.

HIRLEMAN: All those informational packets say is that the bodies are moved so they can be "taken care of". (Pause.) Are we all this stupid?

OFFDENSEN: You don't need to beat yourself up about it. By the time you knew enough to question the ins and outs of your job, you were too focused. That's how it works. It's not your fault. Did you meet anyone who shared your complaints?

HIRLEMAN: (Sigh.) No.

OFFDENSEN: That's too bad. Don't let it get to you. If you haven't found anyone interested in putting a stop to the research, I want you to move on for now. I want you to spend a week on my assisting team instead and see if you can find a rat among them. Someone has been making people, good people like you and 815, question their sanity. That's not fun, is it? 

HIRLEMAN: Why do you want my help? There has to be someone more qualified. And don't just say because I have balls. 

OFFDENSEN: I appreciate your capabilities when it comes to strategic things like all of this. That's all. You were lucky enough to discover the right things at the right moment, and now here you are. You might as well embrace what Fate has brought you.

HIRLEMAN: (Pause.) But just for a week, right?

OFFDENSEN: Or even shorter, if you find what you're looking for.

HIRLEMAN: I'll do it. 

**END TRANSCRIPT**

***

**From:** "D. Hirleman"  447@klokmail.com  
 **To:** 24805@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Friday, 28 Oct 11 at 20:10  
 **Subject:** Re: Checking Up

I'm not doing that anymore. No one wanted to hear me out  
anyway, so I've done all I can about it for now. Now I'm an  
assistant for Offdensen. Seriously. And he's weird as hell.

I wish I could fucking tell you everything that's on my mind,  
but I can't. I know what it's like to have someone keeping  
something from you, too, between Offdensen and all these  
other douchebags I'm working with as of today. I'm big news  
in a way I don't understand around here, and it's starting to  
really piss me off. This is just day one, and I'll be here all week  
if I don't find this guy I'm supposed to find. And you know I  
won't find him.

But I figure saying yes is smarter than saying no. 

\--  
Dan Hirleman  
447 | 447@klokmail.com

***

**From:** "D. Hirleman"  447@klokmail.com  
 **To:** "Mike"  24805@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Saturday, 29 Oct 11 at 09:53  
 **Subject:** Re: What's Up?

He bathes in blood. I'm completely fucking serious. He was  
probably doing it just to piss me off, but I had to help him get  
ready, and I had to stand there while he did it, and you can't  
tell me that's coincidence.

\--  
Dan Hirleman  
447 | 447@klokmail.com

***

**From:** "D. Hirleman"  447@klokmail.com  
 **To:** "Mike"  24805@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Saturday, 29 Oct 11 at 10:46  
 **Subject:** Re: Checking Up

Well, I wish it'd been you instead of me too, Mike.

I kind of fucking miss my job. It'll be nice to go back.

\--  
Dan Hirleman  
447 | 447@klokmail.com

***

**From:** "Assisting Team: D. Hirleman"  447@klokmail.com  
 **To:** "Mike"  24805@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Monday, 31 Oct 11 at 12:50  
 **Subject:** Re: Party Tonight?

Yeah, I'll see you there. I want my costume to be a surprise. 

I've done all kinds of things. I helped take notes on an  
inspection of the level 1 and 2 employees. I had to entertain  
some important businessman's son yesterday. Mainly, it's just  
pointless shit I have to take care of while I spy on the  
assistants and raid their stuff to see if they're the rat.

But here's the thing: None of that matters, because I get to  
serve Dethklok! I'm supposed to be checking out the Gears,  
but so what? IT'S DETH FUCKING KLOK, MIKE. 

\--  
Dan Hirleman  
447 | Assistant to Charles Offdensen 447@klokmail.com

***

**From:** "Assisting Team: D. Hirleman"  447@klokmail.com  
 **To:** "Mike"  24805@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Wednesday, 2 Nov 11 at 14:29  
 **Subject:** SHIT

I've got something to tell you that'll make your mind balls  
Explode. Secret meeting in the closet at 6.

\--  
Dan Hirleman  
447 | Assistant to Charles Offdensen 447@klokmail.com

***

4 November, 2011

 **Persons present:**  
Charles F. Offdensen  
Dan Hirleman (#447)

**BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:**

HIRLEMAN: It's my last day doing this whole spying thing.

OFFDENSEN: That's right. Do you have a suspect?

HIRLEMAN: (Pause.) I do. 

OFFDENSEN: There's no need for hesitation, Dan. What do your instincts say?

HIRLEMAN: Well, I don't think it's an assistant or one the experimenters. The engineers didn't talk to me much, but I don't think they're the problem either.

OFFDENSEN: What about the employees closest to the boys? I believe you figured something out when you went to go help them. Something big.

HIRLEMAN: Yeah.

OFFDENSEN: What was it?

HIRLEMAN: I think...I think Dethklok is the rat. Not all of them, just one. Probably. 

OFFDENSEN: (Pause.) Which one?

HIRLEMAN: Pickles.

OFFDENSEN: Pickles. That's a dangerous accusation. Do you have reason to believe that? 

HIRLEMAN: He comes in here a lot, and he's always watching you.

OFFDENSEN: (Chuckles.) He's not so much a threat as a sycophant.

HIRLEMAN: You asked me to tell you who I think it is. I can't prove it, of course, not in a week. But I told you who I think it is. 

OFFDENSEN: I'm surprised at you. (Pause.) You must think it's easy for people to get one over on me.

HIRLEMAN: I've never said that, Sir. And that's not what I'm trying to say.

OFFDENSEN: Do I look like a, ah, sitting duck to you, Number 447?

HIRLEMAN: Sir? I'm here to help you, remember? 

OFFDENSEN: So you say.

(Long pause.)

HIRLEMAN: Should I leave? 

OFFDENSEN: No, not yet. Not yet. (Pause.) It seems you've outlived your usefulness.

HIRLEMAN: Sir?

OFFDENSEN: What do you suppose I should do with someone like you?

HIRLEMAN: I can keep looking. I'll try harder. It was just a theory, after all.

OFFDENSEN: A theory. I see.

HIRLEMAN: You know, Mr. Offdensen, I forgot to tell you I shot dope into my sac before I came in today. Why don't I just keep working? I'll try harder. What's another week?

OFFDENSEN: What do you think the world would look like if everyone got a second chance?

HIRLEMAN: I learn really well from mistakes.

OFFDENSEN: Not really. You're on chance number two right now. (Typing.) Would you like to know what that machine does?

HIRLEMAN: (Pause.) No, that's okay.

OFFDENSEN: I thought you were really interested in it a few days ago. Wasn't that your main goal this whole time?

HIRLEMAN: I'm alright.

OFFDENSEN: No, I think desires like that deserve to be fulfilled, don't you?

HIRLEMAN: (Pause.) Maybe. 

OFFDENSEN: Ah, see? We're in agreement. I love when we're in agreement. Hang on a second. I've got a pamphlet I want you to read. I tailored it to your specific situation. And then you have a decision to make, so here's this too.

**END TRANSCRIPT**

***

  
  


  
**Part 4:  
**   
A Dangerous Man  


November 5

I did what I could for the bodies of those lost at Mordhaus, and now it's time to move on to other bodies. I'll become a mortician, or a grave digger, or a funeral director. Something. 

I'm getting more special treatment from Offdensen for keeping my mouth shut. I get to attend the big party they're having tonight. He wants me to talk to the band for a little while, probably to prove to me that I'm wrong about Pickles. Maybe even to decide whether or not I'm right. 

I'm excited about tomorrow, but I can't help this dark feeling I have about tonight, like I shouldn't go. I have to go, though. I'm holding up my end of a bargain with Charles Offdensen if I go. If I don't go, it won't matter whether or not he's lying to me; I'll be dead for sure.

***

**CAMERA #4186 (FOURTH FLOOR BOOZE CLOSET, ADJ. TO PARTY ROOM)  
**  
DATE: 11/06/11  
START TIME: 00:17:56

_Pickles and Klokateer #447 (D. Hirleman) enter booze closet._

PICKLES:  
We're not here to get booze, by the way.

_Pickles rests a hand on #447's arm._

PICKLES:  
You're 447, the guy who's been bothering Charles, right? 

#447:  
Yes, that's me, my lord.

PICKLES:  
I've been looking for you. 

#447:  
You have? 

PICKLES:  
Yeah, maybe we can, I don't know, make an appointment.

#447:  
This is technically my last night at Mordhaus. 

PICKLES:  
Where are you going, another vacation?

_#447 moves his arm away from Pickles's hand._

#447:  
No, master. I'm leaving to go home, and I won't be coming back. 

PICKLES:  
Oh, that's no good, dude. I wanted to talk to you about the stuff you've been fighting with Charles about. The Machine, and all that crap.

#447:  
Why? 

PICKLES:  
I don't hate what Charles is doing. It's pretty Metal. But no one hides shit from me. 

_Pickles leans in for emphasis as he speaks._

PICKLES:  
No one.

_#447 takes a step backward and crosses his arms._

#447:  
I understand. 

PICKLES:  
I got someone to show me how to set up a tape recorder, so I could spy on Charles.

#447:  
What'd you find out?

_Pickles shrugs and leans against the shelves._

PICKLES:  
I know you've seen The Machine.

#447:  
I have.

PICKLES:  
You should take me there. Before anyone realizes I ain't partyin'. 

_Door opens. Pickles and #447 turn to look toward it._

TOKI (O.S.):  
Pickle!

_Toki moves into camera range._

PICKLES:  
Shit.

TOKI:  
I been looking all over, Pickle. What's you guys talking about?

PICKLES:  
How much have you had to drink?

TOKI:  
You guys gonna go hang out?

PICKLES:  
Kind of.

TOKI:  
Well, I'm getting tireds of that party, guys.

_Toki moves between Pickles and #447 and puts an arm around each of them._

TOKI:  
Takes me with you.

_#447 and Pickles look at each other._

TOKI:  
I'll bes really good.

#447:  
Master, maybe we should let him. There's...safety in numbers.

_Pickles sighs._

PICKLES:  
Okay, Toki, fine. Come with us.

_Toki leads Pickles and #447 out of the booze closet._

***

  


***

  


***

6 November, 2011

 **Persons present:**  
Charles F. Offdensen  
#24805 (Carcass Removal: M. Qiu)

**BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:**

OFFDENSEN: This box here contains what we cleared out of his room. We've also added a, uh, half-eaten bag of gummy snakes from the scene of the accident.

#24805: I thought he hated those. (Pause.) Wait, there are two bags here.

OFFDENSEN: One of them was under his bed. We're sorry about the loss. He was nine hours away from retirement, too. (Pause.) What, ah, what was he like?

#24805: Weird. He was kind of weird. He cared about things too much. I didn't realize he'd give me...yeah, just weird. Lately, anyway. But a very good worker. He was even more dedicated to the job than I am, if you can believe it.

OFFDENSEN: I think I can. (Pause.) The two of you had a meeting in the closet on November 2nd. It seemed important. What did he tell you?

#24805: Sir? I have to respect the privacy I think he'd want. At any rate, it doesn't matter now. He's gone.

OFFDENSEN: Understood. You can take this box and be on your way. (Pause.) And keep up the good work. 

**END TRANSCRIPT**

***

  


***

**From:** "Charles F. Offdensen"  cfo@klokmail.com  
 **To:** "Head Engineer: Rictus"  789@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Sunday, 6 Nov 11 at 19:32  
 **Subject:** Picture

I received an image of 447 in The Machine.

Was he pushed in, or did he jump?

\--  
Charles Foster Offdensen  
Manager and CFO | Dethklok, Inc.  
Country Code + 49 + 0170-6660001 | cfo@klokmail.com | http://www.dethklok.com

***

**From:** "Charles F. Offdensen"  cfo@klokmail.com  
 **To:** "Head Engineer: Rictus"  789@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Sunday, 6 Nov 11 at 22:09  
 **Subject:** Re: Picture

What you do you mean? How could you not know that?

Never mind. The photographer may not even be from your  
department. If anyone's acting suspicious, though, you know  
my email and you know my number (0-0170-6660001). I won't  
let this go unpunished. Not this time.

\--  
Charles Foster Offdensen  
Country Code + 49 + 0170-6660001 | http://www.dethklok.com

***

  


***

Pickles (0-0170-6660004): some guy wont leave me alone what do I do.  
Charles (0-0170-6660001): Are you okay?  
Pickles (0-0170-6660004): he thinks i killed that guy i talked to last night. did he die?  
Charles (0-0170-6660001): Yes, he did.

***

**English Translation:**

 **#5995**  
\- Anti-climactic. He was fed more Forget That.  
\- Charles's reaction: He finished his sandwich. He still doesn't suspect foul play, but he told me to stop bothering him and to make sure I closed the door.

 **#11**  
\- He was sent to a psychologist, who gave him the Forget That medication. That's a sneaky solution. I like it.  
\- Charles's reaction: He got upset and broke his favorite pen by accident. I should probably buy him new pen.

 **#1666**  
\- He also was sent to a psychologist.  
\- Charles's reaction: He took us out for ice-cream. I like this side of Charles. Pickle wants us to record Charles on tape. If I help him set up a tape recorder, I can listen to the tapes too.

 **#815**  
\- He also was sent to a psychologist. I must be running up the bills.  
\- Charles's reaction: He listened to a lot of music, mostly opera in foreign languages. It was kind of depressing, and kind of loud.

 **#447**  
\- Charles went crazy or something. He had #447 work with him, and when he didn't find me out because #447 is stupid, he almost let him go. Charles gave him a vacation and even bathed in blood for him. He's not supposed to be Charles's favorite. I took care of him, and now he's no one's favorite. I sent Charles a picture, but he didn't seem proud of me. Stupid Klokateers ruin everything. 

**Next: #2022**

***

Pickles (0-0170-6660004): thanks for making toki come. he got him off my back.  
Charles (0-0170-6660001): Well, I didn't send him, but I'm glad it got taken care of.  
Pickles (0-0170-6660004): weird. toki said he did it so youd be proud of him.  
Charles (0-0170-6660001): I'll have to find some way to thank him, then.  
Pickles (0-0170-6660004): while you do that can you make him stop dragging his new camera everywhere?  
Pickles (0-0170-6660004): hello?  
Charles (0-0170-6660001): I'll see what I can do.

***

**From:** "Charles F. Offdensen"  cfo@klokmail.com  
 **To:** "Head Engineer: Rictus"  789@klokmail.com  
 **Date:** Monday, 7 Nov 11 at 17:12  
 **Subject:** Re: Picture

I've found the photographer. I'm going to have a talk with  
him.

\--  
Charles Foster Offdensen  
Country Code + 49 + 0170-6660001 | http://www.dethklok.com

Charles (0-0170-6660001): You've been trying very hard to make me proud lately, haven't you?  
Toki (0-0170-6660006): Oh hey, Charles! Yeah, I has! You notitsed.  
Charles (0-0170-6660001): Can you come meet with me sometime tonight?  
Toki (0-0170-6660006): Yeah, okay!

***

7 November, 2011

 **Persons present:**  
Charles F. Offdensen  
Toki Wartooth

**BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:**

OFFDENSEN: Yes, that's all I want.

TOKI: Just for me to stops freaking out the Klokateers?

OFFDENSEN: Yes, exactly. It makes for bad business.

TOKI: (Pause.) Will you spend more time with me if I stop?

OFFDENSEN: (Long pause.) Sure.

TOKI: Wowee! (Pause.) Charles, you like me more than stupid #447, don't you?

OFFDENSEN: Of course I do. (Pause.) Why do you ask?

**END TRANSCRIPT**

***

  



End file.
